It's OKAY...

Over the past few years I have learned that nothing is really set in stone, things change, to expect the unexpected, and that  chronically ill patients are generally the exception to the rule. The ups and downs of having a chronic illness can sometimes feel like a crazy roller coaster ride that affect you not only physically but emotionally. Here are my top 5 ITS OKAY'S ...the things that I've learned to accept as normal and the philosophies that have made life easier

Its OKAY:

1. To grieve-- when you have a chronic illness you suffer a lot of loss whether it be relationships, work, home, finances, ability to take care of yourself and others, and the biggest one of all your OLD LIFE. In the beginning I tried the tough guy approach to everything , I wasn't going to let my illness get me down. I slowly realized that in order to move on you have to acknowledge your loss and take the time that you need to get over the sadness. Most of us connect grief to the 5 stages 1. denial 2.anger 3. depression 4. bargaining 5. acceptance and think of it as ending with acceptance. I have learned that grief is cyclical , it comes and goes with each new challenge.

2. To ask for help --this was a huge obstacle to overcome for me. I am very stubborn and prideful and asking for help has always been difficult for me . I am fortunate enough to have family and friends that are beyond amazing who always ask to help . My immediate family and best friends know how I can be so they helped out even when I said I didn't need it. Most of the time I actually did need it but was too embarrassed to ask .Sometimes when your pride gets too big it can actually hinder you. I was searching for treatments that could help my condition and came across a treatment center but it was very costly [ I start treatment this month and will keep you all updated  :) ]. My family and I decided to start a donation page  to help cover treatment costs and medical bills and the response was incredible and heartwarming. It taught me that people are willing to help and support you but you have to give them the chance. Embrace it.

3.To feel contradictory-- There are times when I feel like I can conquer the world and days when I feel like everything is crashing around me. Some days I want to continue to search for new treatments and there are days when I'm "over it ". Just when I think I want to give up on work completely I think I may have a shot at going back someday. Contradicting yourself is not crazy... it's normal. Its your way of processing what has happened and figuring things out as you go along.

4. To say no-- If I think that something or someone is important enough I always say yes no matter whatever else I have going on. The week that I had my first seizure I had worked 65 hours followed by a weekend packed with a graduation in the bay area, a drive that same night to another graduation in the valley about an hour and a half  away, hosting a baby shower, driving back to the bay for a graduation party, back to the valley for a 30th birthday , and finally back to the bay to go home and sleep before my next work week started. All of the people were very special to me and how could I choose what was more important. Looking back, that was crazy! Now that I am sick I could never keep up with that kind of physical demand and I have learned that the people who love you don't expect you to. Sure they would love to see you but if you can't do it that day they would much rather you stay home than cause more harm to yourself. It was hard for me to give into the truth that YOU are important too and you need to make decisions that will benefit your health.

5. To "give-in"-- The idea of going out in public in a wheelchair was one I grappled with for a while before I finally decided to "give-in". A lot of it had to do with humility. By not succumbing to the idea of using the chair I missed out on activities that I enjoyed. No shopping,no going to my brothers baseball games,  no going out to dinner if I knew the parking wasn't so good. Now I am able to celebrate with friends and do the things I want to do and in the end...who cares if I'm in a wheelchair.Besides my niece has offered to "bling it out" so how could I pass up that opportunity ;)